One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
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[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Spell check is for lasers.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now