“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?