I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
got so much cardio in today