I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.