*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
You Might Also Like
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I have many caverns
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures