My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
this post was so formative to me
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke