My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!