me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.