waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.