my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”