my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
When I said I liked it rough.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌