Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
sigh
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.