I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.