My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Twitter remains undefeated
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
They did not miss in the small print