@ShortSleeveSuit

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

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@Briixxy

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@DocGregith

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

@KyleMcDowell86

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

@InternetHippo

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

@Mom_Overboard

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

@jenlaw_11

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

@vtbee80

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

@TheAndrewNadeau

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.