[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power