[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?


HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s


Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist


I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?


I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses


no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed


I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”


Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.