@Amusitr0n [Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
@ShortSleeveSuit [Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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@Amusitr0n 
@tartadepollo I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
@tigersgoroooar Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
@ShesAllNat What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
@jjhartinger If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
@LackOfShame [their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
@SSparklesDaily Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
@prufrockluvsong Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
@dafloydsta [marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
@ThisOneSayz Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.