[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

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*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”


I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.


Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.


What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.


If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.


[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it


Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.


Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”



Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.