Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…