[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?