@ArfMeasures

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

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@EJGomez

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@leesheyy

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

@AndrewChamings

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

@MandyLand314

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

@ericsshadow

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

@stacywawa1

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.