[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?


Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.


Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.


Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.


If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.


Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.


C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings


[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?