[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Check your privilege
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
What is going on? 😅
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.