Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.