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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Autocorrect completely socks
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
cat vs inanimate object
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”