After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.