never compromise your values
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
(2022)
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this