(2022)
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.