Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Damn he played himself
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.