Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

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Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?


[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop


I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air


Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.


One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”


Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok


My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16


Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.


[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no


*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?