Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Got him!
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Can Happiness buy money?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.