I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Before & after 😅
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
How to draw a duck
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no