I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.