Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
SCARY COSTUME
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward