The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons