“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT