God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*