That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?