New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?