waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Canada has crack?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
only 11 steps left
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I can’t deal with men any longer