My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!