“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
An odd boast
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Rambo Rambow
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*