Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.