“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Nothing.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Don’t tell me what to do
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.