My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.