The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
You Might Also Like
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]