The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Baking is just science you can eat.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos