They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
You Might Also Like
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Anyone really
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin