Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
That 👊
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth