Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close