Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple