I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle