Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Lmao
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I am crying
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!