Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!