My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You Might Also Like
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
accurate
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
