[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Yes, but it was never about money
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The best plant holders?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.