wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
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Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
you have three unread messages
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore