My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
You Might Also Like
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills